Elizabeth Warren’s Non-Watch Analyzed

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren constantly exercises her right to bare arms. What of it? We live a world of smartphones – a watch is simply a convenient way to tell time, access apps or flex. I’m told there’s something liberating about not being tied to a wrist-borne temporal device. It says you’re living in the moment. Or does it? Let’s think about this . . .

As a U.S. Senator and former presidential candidate – now prospective kingmaker – Ms. Warren has to keep to a strict schedule. Lots of people, sometimes hundreds, occasionally thousands, wait for her. You don’t get delegates, corporate donors, rapturous applause or obsequious air time by being late.

Elizabeth Warren can’t depend on a nearby clock to remain prompt. So she either consults her phone to stay on sched – a gesture so rude Apple re-engineered their smartwatch – or constantly asks her handlers should I stay or should I go? I’m thinking it’s the latter – unless Elizabeth Warren is one of those odd folks who knows the exact time at all times.

On the positive side, a powerful person going watchless communicates the fact that they’re a powerful person – in the same sense that going walletless establishes Prince Charles’ Royal authority (note: HRH wears a Parmigiani Fleurier).

Hillary Clinton Watch

On the downside, going watchless forfeits a chance to telegraph that man/woman/person of the people thing. ‘Cause average people wear a watch.

It could be worse, relating-to-non-millionaires-wise. Fellow former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, for example, showcases pieces from her collection of Rolex and Chanel watches, each one worth more – a great deal more – than the average worker’s monthly salary.

I don’t think we can read too much into the fact that Elizabeth Warren doesn’t wear a watch. But I’ll say this: politicians have power. I’d like to think they respect voters enough to use a tool to help them maximize efficiency during their time in power. You may call me a dreamer . . .

Longines Conquest V.H.P.

I’d love to see what kind of watch Elizabeth Warren would wear, contra Bernie Sander’s Citizen and Joe Biden’s OMEGA. As the Senator from Massivetaxes declared her intent to break-up Apple, it couldn’t be the logical choice for a policy wonk.

If I were Ms. Warren’s timepiece advisor, I’d recommend a Longines Conquest V.H.P. It’s a big bold scarily accurate watch, perfect for someone who wants to declare that it’s a man’s worldand I’m gonna change that. And if there’s one thing Elizabeth Warren sees herself as, it’s a conqueror. Although that moment has passed. At least for now.


  1. A proposal: for Sen. Warren to wear a watch, or to call attention to whether she does and if so which, is a losing proposition.

    Let’s assume that not wearing a watch was a deliberate decision. Certainly everything else about Sen. Warren is.

    She above all else needed to present differently than did Mrs. Clinton – e.g., “No, I am NOT another school-marm 70-something WASP with an Ivy League JD who will manage to lose WISCONSIN of all places.” Meaning either she had to out-watch her (not likely, given the quality of Mrs. Clinton’s collection, as noted), or she had to forgo a timepiece altogether. And possibly that ends the conversation right there. I suppose she had a third option of wearing a Casio Databank or something ridiculous but God forbid anyone get caught having a sense of humor in this primary season.

    But even if we exclude the unexclude-able specter of Mrs. C., I think we have to admit that it would have been dangerous for her to choose one for the same reasons it would have been interesting. Her lane was “consensus candidate between hard left and party establishment.” She needed to be a blank slate onto which a variety of interest groups could scrawl their aspirations. If she wears a practical watch, she’s Sen. Sanders’s Johnny-come-lately. If she wears a classy watch, she undermines her class warrior street cred. If she wears a piece of high tech, her Silicon Valley trust busting act looks hypocritical, and someone will make a Silver Sneakers joke to boot.

    Then again. That whole last paragraph is what her handlers probably told her, and look how that turned out. I take it back, she should have gone with a Databank, and paused to punch some keys every time she fielded a wealth tax question.

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