Breil Milano Presents Charlize Theron’s Watchgasm

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Charlize Theron watchgasm

In the c. 2008 video below, South African actress Charlize Theron has an orgasm fondling a Breil Milano watch. A what? Orgasm. A what? Breil Milano. While I’m sure you know what an orgasm is, you might share my puzzlement at the identity of the watchmaker giving Ms. Theron her thrills, promoting the tagline “Don’t touch my Breil.” wikipedia.org does the honors . . .

This brand started in Milan in 1939, named after a Swiss municipality. In 1942 the first Breil wristwatch was introduced. Initially, the company made a line of alarm clocks and a few years later, wristwatches too . . .

In commercials of the early 1990s, the company created a line of wristwatch models, typically used by men, that were marketed to women; Monica BellucciShana (singer)Carré OtisCharlize TheronJessica AlbaLaura Chiatti were the chosen models for this campaign.

Even after those ladies moved on (Theron to OMEGA and Breitling), Breil Milano kept after it, sex-as-marketing-wise.

The 2011 ad above closes with the new tagline “Nothing but my Breil.” Which is about as easy to “read” as actual braille.

Here they are again in 2018, with a horological echo of Mrs. Tiger Woods assault on her then husband. You’ll notice that “Don’t touch my Breil” has morphed into “Take anything but my Breil.”

Breil Milano TW1806

That’s not easy, at least in The Home of the Brave.

Breil Milano’s current U.S. distributor – usfirstclasswatches.com – has one BM on offer. All they say about the Breil TW1806: it’s “a great staple for the wardrobe of the well-dressed gent.” No word on size, movement or origin (China!). Yours for $87, down from an entirely theoretical $220 rrp.

Breil Milano Luxury Unisex Crystal Diamond Watches Quartz Digital Calendar Rose Gold Silver Stainless Steel Watch

Macy’s has a Breil Milano link on the first page of Google search results, but no Milanos with which to mint money.

Amazon offers a small selection of Breil Milanos, ranging from the $14 “charming for all occasions” Luxury Unisex Crystal Diamond Watches Quartz Digital Calendar Rose Gold (above) to the more swish Swiss quartz Mediterraneo Analog Black Dial Watch (below), yours for $581.

With a couple of not-very-notable exceptions, all the Breils listed are either out-of-stock or “last 1 left in stock.” In the race to the bottom by once-illustrious watch brands, Breil Milano is a clear winner. Loser? That too. 

Breil Milano Breil Milano Men's BW0508 Mediterraneo Analog Black Dial WatchBreil Milano’s descent into obscurity highlights the simple fact that all marketing starts with the product. You can have the world’s sexiest woman achieving climax via your product, but if it’s not a kick ass (or whatever) sex toy, you’re over-promising and under-delivering.

More generally, the decline and fall of the cheap Chinese-made fashion watch leaves those of us who enjoy pretentious pimping poorer for the lack of, uh, stimulation. Now that Timex is selling hundreds of thousands of PRC watches adorned with adorable Snoopy cartoons, now that political correctness comes with cancel culture, what hope do lovers of kitsch product porn have?

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