Let’s get something straight: the new Versace watches are tacky. Gloriously, unabashedly, unapologetically tacky. Not even the most ridiculous Jacob & Co. creation (think Opera Godfather Minute Repeater) can compete. And unlike the wretched excess of big name brands (think Rolex Leopard Daytona), Versace watches are affordable (relatively speaking). That means the people wearing them aren’t horologically pretentious, in a snobby watch enthusiast kinda way. They’re just . . .
Flamboyant! Which is more on-brand for Versaci than the 911 is for Porsche. Even a quick look at Versace’s two new watches confirms this. It’s all there: the branding, colors and spizzarkle that made their clothes famous.
So let’s take a closer look at Versace’s newest and best-ever timepieces. Which, again, means their tackiest ever.
All-gold (not “all gold”) watches are stunning. You might think a gold Rolex President Day-Date is a pretentious as F watch that betrays its owner’s megalomaniacal low self-esteem Donald Trump-wise. I wouldn’t disagree. But you gotta admit: the gold Rollie’s got its own thing. By the same token, gold pairs well with just about any case material or dial color (e.g., any gold OMEGA).
Clearly, the designers behind this timepiece are capitalizing on the all-sapphire watch trend, as exemplified by the $5k Aventi A11 (above) and the $422k Hublot Big Band Integral Tourbillon Full Sapphire. Clearly, they’ve kicked it up/down a notch.
For good reason: tasteful harmoniousness is for wimps and simps. True fashion is edgy. If there’s a fine line between edgy and tacky I’m not sure what it is. If there is, Versace watches Icon Active White hops over it.
It’s easy to overlook a handsome watch. In fact, wearing an elegant big name watch is a bit like driving an AMG Mercedes thinking chicks will dig it (to use the old, non-politically correct term). Truth be told, anyone other than a pistonhead won’t recognize the German whip as anything other than a nice car (if that). But this? This watch stands out!
Versace calls the Icon Active white’s dial color champagne. I don’t. I think it’s a lot closer to parrot sick green. But it’s a feature, not a bug! The dial makes the gold hands, indices, chapter ring, golder-than-gold Medusa head Versace logo, bezel, screws and pushers pop like, well, nitrite poppers. Especially when combined with the clear plastic case and band.
Time keeping-wise, who gives a sh*t? But in case you were wondering, the Versace watches’ chronograph’s powered by a RONDA 5021.D – the same Swiss movement that motivated a few TAG Heuer’s Formula 1 watches. That said, the TAGs were water resistant to 20 ATM. The ironically-named Icon Active is barely swimmable at 5 ATM.
Did I forget to mention Versace Watches’ “Greek key” or “meander” pattern (mimicking the ancient Maeander River of Asia Minor) just above the chapter ring? I did. If you missed it, the Icon Active’s plastic presentation box brings it on home.
Sure, $995 is a lot of money to bring home a plastic, not-real-gold quartz chrono. But as Marc Jacobs, former creative director for Louis Vuitton (currently huffing high horology) pronounced, “I always find beauty in things that are odd and imperfect, they are much more interesting.” This is definitely that. But it’s not the main event . . .
That honor belongs to the blue, black and gold Icon Active Blue. Thanks to the blue chapter ring and band, EVERYTHING pops here.
I’ve always thought the fashion brand’s Medusa head was way too pretty to represent a Gorgon who’s visage was so ugly it could turn men to stone. Maybe founder Giovanni Maria Versace was commenting on the ugliness behind the fashion industry – fitting for a man murdered by a handsome spree killer. Anyway, the Medusa head hidden on the caseback (below) is more convincing.
The blue watch is the most fitting timepiece for Gianni’s revolutionary style; the Calabrian was famous for adding bold colors to the often austere and drab fashion world. The Icon Active Blue is bold, bodacious and bad-ass.
Imagine seeing the Versace watches’ Icon Active Blue adorning the wrist of a guy or gal wearing something other than dark blue clothing. A true fashionista pushing the boat out. If you think about it, what other watch could stand up to a Versace Renaissance Silk Sport Shirt? BA-BAM!
No matter how you pair it, there’s simply no ignoring this timepiece. Yeah, yeah, I know: most of you wish you could ignore it. But there are people in this world for whom being ignored is a fate worse than death. I’m not just talking about the Kardashians or other Instagram influencers. I’m talking about working class stiffs.
I come to celebrate
Caesar fashion-forward folks, not bury them. I may have a ten-foot pole by my side, but I admire exuberance in all its forms, whether it’s a 1964 Chevy lowrider or a Versace Watches Icon Active. I mean, anyone can wear a Rolex Submariner. But these new Versace watches are for people who live life to the full – in their own special way. Mazel Tov bitches!