What do you think of the Trump watch? “It’s tacky, tasteless, ugly and you’re supporting a fascist,” my 16-year-old replied. Wrong! Well, somewhat wrong. As far as I can tell, none of the money from the 2016 “Make American Great Again” quartz watch goes to the POTUS. It all goes to some guy named Izzy Genuth (who “hasn’t set up his voice mail yet”). More importantly, the Trump watch is made in America. Well, actually . . .
The website proudly proclaims that “all Nobel watches contain a high-quality Swiss movement.” So the bits that move the hands aren’t American.
In fact, some of the Trump Watch’s “Swiss” parts may have been forged in The People’s Republic. The stainless steel used may have also arrived via slow boat. Anyway, we can take pride in the assertion that “The Donald J. Trump watch was hand-assembled by disabled USA Veterans.” In America, presumably.
Aesthetically, the Trump Watch is pure Americana. Exuberant! Playful! Fun! Trump detractors see his image on the watch face as fascist portraiture to rival state-sanctioned images of Mussolini or Hitler. Nonsense. Look closely. To my eyes, The Donald seems bemused. At worst, constipated. But definitely not maniacal.
The Trump Watch takes the Old Glory thing and runs with it. The stars and stripes slant to the right (geddit?) behind a President encircled in blue, wearing a blue suit, white shirt, red tie and a star-spangled pin. The hour indices are red, the minute markers are blue. Donnie’s name is blue, the date of his election is red. If the case, strap and buckle were any bluer they’d be hospitalized for depression.
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN one side of the strap proclaims. DONALD TRUMP 2016 the other side reminds us. The big ass font runs the straps’ full length on either side of ocean liner portals. Adjusted for my 7″ wrist, the watch reads MAKE A GREAT, DO TRU and ERICA GAIN. Fat shaming!
The Trump Watch is surprisingly comfortable. The molded case sits flat – the lugs angle down at a perfect radius (for me). The commemorative timepiece barely tips the scales at 1.2 ounces, proving that tacky and flimsy aren’t just a comedy act from the 40’s. The strap is the most plasticky plastic imaginable, a substance about as breathable as mustard gas. A Texas summer watch this ain’t.
The Trump Watch’s hour and minute hands are shiny gold – fashioned from the cheapest, nastiest metal made by hand of man. Accurate time setting with those Fortnite blocks is something of a challenge. And yet the unspecified Swiss quartz movement beavering away inside the Trump Watch only loses about ten seconds per day. Hacking seconds, no less.
The caseback promises that the Trump Watch is waterproof to 3ATM. Note to deplorables: that means the watch won’t drown if it’s submerged 30 meters, or around 100 ft. Considering the timepiece’s overall quality, it may stop running if you wear it doing the dishes. Or walk too close to a hot shower. Or live in Seattle.
To my mind, the $69.99 price is a major sticking point. Fans of the current President and collectors of kitsch election tat can buy a Chinese-made Trump 2020 Fuck Your Feelings timepiece above for $11.99, complete with a watch strap made of “premium alloy material.”
That’s just mean! (Consider my feelings fucked.) Never mind. If you’re a Trump supporter with a sunny disposition, have no shame and support disabled vets’ horological aspirations, the Trump 2016 Watch is . . . too expensive. But just like our electoral process, sometimes you don’t have much of a choice.
Nobel Trump Watch – $69.99
Click here to purchase [no commission on link]
SPECIFICATIONS:
Case material: plastic, stainless steel caseback
Case diameter: 38mm
Case Thickness: 8mm
Movement: Unidentified Swiss quartz
Band: Plastic, 23 millimeters
Clasp: Plastic, fold-over-clasp
Water resistance: 3AT (100m – 30ft.)
Weight: 2.1 ounces
RATINGS (out of five stars):
Design * * * * *
As I said in my review of the Raymond Weil Jimi Hendrix Limited Edition, I like an “in your face” tribute watch. The pic of The Donald and the red, white and blue motif is pure kitsch, pure Americana.
Legibility * *
Cheap and nasty gold colored hour and minute hands are not the punctual person’s friend. No lume. You can see the President pretty well though. How great is that?
Tactility
If you can buy a flimsier feeling plastic watch, don’t.
Comfort * * *
At 2.1 ounces, you barely know it’s there (assuming you’re blind). That said, the plastic strap is as stiff as a double shot of bourbon and as breathable as a block of stone.
Overall * * * *
The Trump watch is what it is: a MAGA hat for your wrist. It’s pricey, but some of the “extra” money goes to disabled vets, so OK.
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