Rolex Hates You and Thinks You Suck

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“John Mayer seals the deal for his Rolex Emoji Watch with Fourtane owner Josh Boniface (centre) and Russell Kelly (left).” (Picture and caption courtesy watchpro.com)

Rolex hates you. To wit: “Two of the first known owners of Rolex’s 2023 ‘Emoji’ DayDates have been revealed as super-collector celebrities,” watchpro.com reports, “musician John Mayer and American Football legend Tom Brady.” If Rolex liked you, it would be you hearing “right this way” at your local Rolex dealer. But no. Why?

Because Rolex and its dealers want people to want their watch because they see it on the wrist of their idols. They reckon celebrity Rolex wearers bolster the brand in the eyes of the little people – a technique Rolex has been pimping for decades.

Besides, what boring-ass watchmaker – we’re talking about the Swiss here – doesn’t like to rub shoulders, schmooze and pose with famous folk? As for the “little people” who made Rolex what it is today – rewarding horological quality and brick shit house dependability with their hard-earned money – they can wait their turn, even if that turn never comes.

We’ve already tackled the thorny issue of Rolex dealers using scarcity to sell crap they wouldn’t be able to sell without dangling a new Rolex in front of supplicating clients. How Rolex dealers hate you and play favorites, hiding watches to seduce salivating clients into dropping beaucoup bucks.

Put those two factors together – celebrity worship and bait-and-switch-based sales to suckers – and we can only conclude that Rolex hates you long time.

There is a simple, fair and easy way to stop this endless snobby-ass Rolex-denying madness: a dealer surcharge. Let dealers charge whatever the market will bear.

The financially-challenged amongst us might be outraged, but it’s better to be outraged than denied a Rolex because you’re not willing to buy watches you don’t want to get a watch you do want. Or, alternatively, because you’re a “nobody.”

If dealers made more money on their watches, Rolex wouldn’t hate you. Both brand and dealers would be kinder, gentler, happier people. The demand for coveted Rolex would decrease, increasing availability. Sales would be based on money (per watch) rather than celebrity or the dealers cultivating their “best customers.”

That said, culture eats strategy for lunch. The “Rolex hates you” culture will take a long time to fade. In fact, unless Rolex changes their pricing policies (check with itaintgonnahappen.com) or the world economy collapses (which could happen), it never will.

Until and unless one of those happens, as much as I love me some classic Rolex, include me out. I have enough self-hatred as it is.

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