James Bond’s Apple Watch

No Time to Die James Bond's Apple Watch

In the No Time to Smile (a.k.a., You Only Quip Twice), British secret service agent James Bond wears an OMEGA Seamaster Diver 300M. The MI5 boffin known as [non-LGBT] Q modifies the watch to emit a low-level EMP. Commander Bond uses the transient electromagnetic disturbance to get through a locked door. Ho-hum . . .

Previous Bond timepieces doubled as a geiger counter, buzzsaw, bullet deflecting magnet, abseiling cable, remote detonator, smart gun safety and explosive device. None of which are as clever as James Bond’s Apple Watch. Wait. What?

James Bond's Apple Watch mission

For sake of argument, let’s say the owners of the Bond franchise wanted their cash cow/hero to have some connection with real world espionage. They’d have to take in account the fact that today’s government spy is tiny part of a vast “intelligence community” – a network of opaque and unaccountable organizations that gather, process and interpret information for politicians to ignore, misinterpret and misuse.

Modern day government spies are either researchers, data analysts or case managers (an HR functionary charged with hanging out with high-level informants at strip clubs). In all cases, an Apple Watch is a far more valuable tool than any OMEGA. Which is why so many spies wear them.

Nothing to do with James Bond's Apple Watch

Researchers wear their Apple Watch so they don’t miss meetings crucial to national security, and dental appointments. Data analysts wear it so they’re never more than a glance away from the one thing gives their life meaning, and eliminates the need to go outdoors for food or toilet paper. Case managers use the Apple Watch to maintain situational awareness on the way to the strip club, thus avoiding getting mowed down by hordes of Turkmen bicyclists.

Aside from discreet assassination, the “killing people” part of spy work is the purview of special forces folks. They’re generally cheerful chaps who wear simple watches that don’t beep, and aren’t entirely comfortable at black tie soirées. Where was I? Right. Bottom line. If James Bond was a real British spy he’d wear an Apple Watch.

Just like 100 million Apple Watch owners, who enjoy all the same benefits as real world AW-wearing government spies – minus the fun of attending national security meetings and dodging a tsunami of two-wheeled Turkmen. And why not? Unlike the current Bond’s OMEGA, the Apple Watch is both an astounding piece of modern technology and no big deal.

Well now it is. Can you imagine the cool factor of an Apple Watch if it had appeared in any of the Bond movies before September 2014, when Tim Cook revealed the iPhone 6’s BFF? Hang on Pussy, I just got a reminder text from my sex addiction support group. What’s that? 5000 steps today. Oh, sorry. I’m still on Step Two.

Back in the day, when you had to charge the brick-like Motorola DynaTAC8000X voice-only cell phone for ten hours for 30 minutes talk time, the Bond franchise’s techno-fetishistic scriptwriters couldn’t have imagined the all-singing, all-dancing Apple Watch. By the same token, today’s boilerplate Bond writers can’t imagine creating [literal] killer apps for what would be a more realistic watch choice for a more realistic British spy. Because money.

James Bond's Apple Watch looks like an OMEGA

I can’t find the exact amount OMEGA paid to have James Bond EMP a door and strut around with their time-telling pride and joy, but we know that product placement earned No Time to Die‘s producer’s $100m, the most money shelled for shilling of any movie ever. Bond’s old school horology is pure pimpology.

Funny thing is, Apple could afford to pay all of that to be James’ Bond’s Apple Watch. But doesn’t need to. And wouldn’t anyway – JB isn’t PC enough, despite the latest Bond movie’s “diverse” cast and non-misogynistic sex scenes. And, I hasten to add, how dark, cheerless and psychobabble-stuffed the series has become.

Vintage Seamaster

So James Bond’s Apple Watch is not to be. OMEGA remains the British alpha’s go-to timepiece. The only way to reconcile that choice and what we might call reality: a James Bond origins movie.

Take viewers back to the Cold War and equip the Navy man with a vintage OMEGA Seamaster. (Never mind that the original character was a Rolex guy). Re-issue the watch and Bob’s your uncle, as once-internationally-relevant Brits say.

While they’re at it, Cubby Broccoli’s daughter should make James Bond less of a dick. Or more. I can’t decide. Let me check my watch. Hey Siri, has cancel culture been cancelled yet?

45 comments

  1. At least it’s not another Hamilton product placement. Actually, back when Hamilton was American and Pulsar was a model of theirs, Bond wore their (then) cutting edge LED watch. I’d comment more, but I never got into the Craig Bond flicks, because I’m with you and Baruth on the joylessness of them.

  2. Hello. I can’t afford nice watches. But I love reading about why they are not worth buying anyway. I want more content on why luxury is not worth it and why wearing a Rolex gets you mugged, my favorite of all contents. I can’t afford Rolex so that makes me so happy.

    Please start writing again. I am looking at my Casio feeling depressed that I will never have a nice watch collection. You guys are my soul mates.

    1. I recently came across a couple vintage gold Swiss watches that the family had wasting away in a drawer in typical heirloom fashion. Of course they don’t work and need servicing. They are both very nice but I can’t claim to get any ecstasy or vast awe from them. The wrist watch seems to be a bumper automatic, as it has this crazy oscillating weight springiness when handled, and that is admittedly rather special.
      I’m off to drop them off at some fancy watch place today. I’m wearing a Mickey Mouse Lorus.

  3. Oscar is my favorite.

    Looks like my neighbor’s mom exactly, down to the haircut. Also believe that a guy who can’t afford more than a $50 watch should write about why luxury watches are bad. It makes this blog the raging success that it is.

    1. Thank you? But really thank the editor, as I’d have never volunteered if not asked.

      My dire reluctance to spend a sum does not mean I can’t pay. Yeah, I’m relatively poor, but my choices and tastes involve more than a lack of funds. Proof of frugality, loving the product more than the money, will be when I see the giant repair bill for the aforementioned family vintage watches. I expect it to top the value of every watch I’ve owned combined, and probably each will be a minimum of what my first used motorcycle cost. I can’t say I’m gladly paying this, but I won’t shed a tear or consider leaving the watches in their unfunctioning state.

      I do totally think that mechanical watches have been obsolete since around the time of my birth, and that the entire concept of a luxury watch, particularly as status symbol, belongs to past generations (and I’m middle aged). I’m admittedly outside the market demographic, but I just don’t see the luxury of it. A thin, small, lightweight watch is a luxury to me. Quartz does all these quite well, and cheaply too!

      1. So you’re basically admitting that you’re just writing hater content, and this site is not about “the truth” but rather written by people who simply don’t understand luxury watches at all.

        The market that you deem obsolete, is hotter than ever. You’re not even aware of objective reality, nevermind what people want.

        “Gigantic repair bill”. Gigantic to you. Nothing to those of us who create enough value to where that repair bill means nothing. We pay an expert watchmaker for his expert skills. If it was up to you we’d all be setting our expectations to zero and we’d have no art or anything not deemed “frugal”.

        Just be a communist.

        1. I think you are just mad because I’m not impressed by whatever pricey thing is on your wrist? Veblen goods are not my bag. I understand quality, but the quality of “luxury watches” is largely subjective and irrelevant.
          I would say that I’m sorry you are so unhappy about all this, but I just don’t care at all. That’s a pretty weak straw man argument by the way.

        2. BTW, if you, or anyone else, are truly so loaded that around $2800 is truly nothing to them, I will gladly accept this amount as it is something to me. Let me know and I’ll provide a way to receive funds.

          1. Another communist idea. You haven’t earned anything so no, nobody is giving you $2,800. You just don’t understand value at all, do you.

            Why would we just give what we worked for to people who do nothing? A trained watchmaker spent years training, has a valuable skill set and deserves to be paid? You? Go blog about how being broke is cool and imagine that we care what guys with no money think about our toys.

          2. Sadly the reply chain limit has been exhausted here. I feel I should’ve recognized that I’m probably dealing with the “Dennis” or whatever troll here earlier, but so be it.
            Anyway, I don’t seriously expect free money. My point was to call a bluff on the claim that this amount was nothing to you. Put up or shut up.

          3. No way. This is supposed to be a grown man, asking for handouts? The-communist-truthaboutwatches. Sometimes I literally fly coach somewhere even though I could just as easily grab a private charter. Getting rich is easy, staying rich is hard. Especially when every flunky loser comes to you with his hands out, wanting something for nothing. Losers!

          4. Look above your post, Dick, as this has already been addressed. Regardless, even if one was devoid of humor, what level of reading comprehension leads to thinking that “I will gladly accept…” is “asking for handouts” as the difference is not subtle?
            And yes, I know am vastly sure that all these pseudonyms are the same bored and boring troll, but I too need an outlet for my writing, so thanks anyway. You’re still better than all the spammers that are littering up this abandoned site.

  4. Loved the site — hope everyone is healthy and that it might return?

  5. Hello. I have $1 to pay for banner ads on your site. We sell watches perfect for your target audience. They are very very veryveryvery cheap but also entirely copies of expensive brands. Your audience, jealous and poor, will love them.

    Please get back to me ASAP. This offer for $1 banner ads won’t last forever. Oscar will be able to afford a haircut.

  6. Interesting comment thread. It’s true that the authors here seem to be the type who begrudge people their success and resulting enjoyment of life.

    It’s a way to make oneself feel better about not reaching for accomplishment, and making excuses for not being able to get nice toys. Why else take the time and effort to try to find reasons why Rolex is so terrible and “not worth it”?

    Also very common among those with no assets or skills or merits, is the complete failure to understand “worth”. You can buy a Rolex or AP or a number of other products, which are a great store of value. Many of them are also what we would refer to as “near liquid”, ie they are easy to sell. So in fact I can wear and enjoy a $100,000 watch and when I no longer feel the need for it, likely sell it in a matter of a few weeks (or months) for near what I paid, sometimes even more. Not an investment, but better store of value than say, a car.

    Guys who can only afford a Seiko and try to make themselves feel better about that, just don’t understand these basic principles of commerce and value. A Rolex is a better store of value than $10,000 in cash. The cash is printed by the government, it’s no more or less a store of perceived value than anything else people may agree upon.

    What these people also fail to realize that it’s mostly us who drive innovation, quality of life, and advancement. If it weren’t for us, these countries would be run by Seiko dudes and we’d all live in shacks and farm rice for a living. They have no vision, no aspirations and they will elevate nobody.

    Go look at what happened to the USSR if you’re unsure about how these Marxist ideals work out.

    I for one find it embarrassing to read and repulsive to imagine, being so proud about accomplishing nothing. How can you be a grown man living in a Western society and only be able to buy a Seiko.

    1. I guess the people that are obsessed with money truly cannot imagine those unlike themselves. I rarely wrote about luxury watches here, mainly because I find them largely uninteresting Veblen goods. But some were indeed very interesting, and usually the more interesting the more impractical.

      Anyway, hopefully I’m not spilling too many beans here. For the review watches that I chose and procured, as opposed to those sent to me, there was a reimbursable limit of around a couple hundred bucks. So theoretically I could’ve maxed that out every time. Take a look and I don’t think I chose to get anything crossing into triple digits even though it would have been essentially free. I chose several items that were under $20 instead because they interested me more. It’s clear that I value things for more than their cost. Actually I valued the experience moreso, as many of these were given away when I was done with them. Even my time is worth more than trying to resell a low end watch.

      And again, pay attention. When I mention that I’ll be tossing a couple car payments at watch repair, that’s a hint that I can pay more. I don’t have any need to impress anonymous internet people, but get it through skulls that nobody buys the most expensive everything they can afford, unless they are truly the ostentatious type that knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I’m in awe that people write with Bic stick ballpoint pens, but I don’t have the gall or ignorance to think they can’t afford a fountain pen. I’m not that full of myself. I get that they just don’t care about the same things I do.

      1. I continue to be a maroon in not recognizing that this is all the same person that I keep responding to. Whose time is allegedly so valuable.

      2. Simple: You’re poor. The very topic you write about, isn’t for you at all. You’re a peasant, be concerned about your car payment. Your phone tells the time. Forget about things that are completely outside of what’s meant for you.

        1. You’re right, thank God. Of course when I think of “rich” hobbies, I think of a cornucopia of activities and items more interesting than timepieces. I am also blessed to have a rather non-addictive nature that quickly reaches satiation and realizes the rapidly diminishing marginal utility of additional consumption. Desire is the root on unhappiness, and to have the mindset of Edward G. Robinson’s character in “Key Largo,” merely wanting “more” is to chase dragons.
          Of course there is also the argument that hobbies with are rather inaccessible, and I refer more to education and experience than to finances, are inherently artificial and contrived. This is rather exemplified by the appeal of items like G-Shocks, which need no explanation. Their merits are obvious and immediate. No elaborate explanation or silly story need be told. They are appreciated for what they are and what they do, not for esoteric, obscure, and usually irrelevant hooey.

  7. What’s the point of this thread. I just came here to see if you guys are going to start writing again. Rob??? The best articles from truthaboutwatches are about watch culture. The crimes, the spies and so on. The rubbishijg of other blogs is fun (if factual).
    Any Dink blog rattles off the specs and marketing hype bullshit from AP, Omega, Patek and …GS. People read that because they can’t be arsed walking into a dealer and seeing/handling the watch. Don’t need to be a zillionaire to do that

    1. Trolling Oscar “Old Lady Hair” McKlosetoff, of course. It’s as easy as it’s kind of hilarious since he’s so totally un-selfaware. Little pleasure, David.

      1. Huh, what the fuck? Is the TTAG being cancelled by Facebook?
        Is some similar sh*t happening with TTAW for some reason?

        1. As far as I know, the publisher just lost interest or moved on to other things.

  8. Even his gun site maxes out at dozens of views. No wonder these little blogs just die, there’s nothing of value here. Except watches of course which are now worth more than they ever were. Talk about not being able to read the room!

    Also who is this Oscar dude and why does he sound so triggered all the time?

    1. Thanks to our biggest fan for still stopping by after 90 days of abandonment! If you could provide a link to page view counts, that would be great!

  9. All of these “truth about” blogs were nothing but hater posts. No wonder they generated zero revenue and got abandoned or sold off for a few hundred bucks to sponsored post hubs.

    A much better recipe would be to have this trans person Oscar start a site about hair fashion for the gender fluid. Now that would be a winner.

    1. Welcome back and thanks for your continued interest. Since I like you, I’ll let you know that the image you insult is from http://www.thispersondoesnotexist.com and is an artificially constructed amalgam that I chose to reflect an unstylish type. Thanks for confirming that I chose well! While I’m sharing, the name is fake too. My email alias was Oliver Klosoff (get it, all of her clothes off?) but Robert got it mixed up, which was better as the gag was less obvious. IRL, I put a couple drops of essential oil in my hair and now use a wide-toothed comb. I have nothing more to share about that topic.

      1. It makes sense to have a fake name and a fake photo, considering the value of your contributions and the nature of this (unsuprisingly failed) blog. Haters like to be in the shadows. Anonymous and weak.

        And broke.

        1. Wow, zero self awareness there. At least I settled on one name, for here.

  10. LOL this shit hater blog is DEAD

    Surprise? Poor blogger dude hatin’ on toys for dudes who don’t have to spend time writing free little blogs. Who was going to be the audience for this? How do you monetize an audience of broke haters?

    Here’s the answer. Dead blog. Also and mostly, “Oscar” writing for it did it in.

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