James Bond’s Apple Watch

No Time to Die James Bond's Apple Watch

In the No Time to Smile (a.k.a., You Only Quip Twice), British secret service agent James Bond wears an OMEGA Seamaster Diver 300M. The MI5 boffin known as [non-LGBT] Q modifies the watch to emit a low-level EMP. Commander Bond uses the transient electromagnetic disturbance to get through a locked door. Ho-hum . . .

Previous Bond timepieces doubled as a geiger counter, buzzsaw, bullet deflecting magnet, abseiling cable, remote detonator, smart gun safety and explosive device. None of which are as clever as James Bond’s Apple Watch. Wait. What?

James Bond's Apple Watch mission

For sake of argument, let’s say the owners of the Bond franchise wanted their cash cow/hero to have some connection with real world espionage. They’d have to take in account the fact that today’s government spy is tiny part of a vast “intelligence community” – a network of opaque and unaccountable organizations that gather, process and interpret information for politicians to ignore, misinterpret and misuse.

Modern day government spies are either researchers, data analysts or case managers (an HR functionary charged with hanging out with high-level informants at strip clubs). In all cases, an Apple Watch is a far more valuable tool than any OMEGA. Which is why so many spies wear them.

Nothing to do with James Bond's Apple Watch

Researchers wear their Apple Watch so they don’t miss meetings crucial to national security, and dental appointments. Data analysts wear it so they’re never more than a glance away from the one thing gives their life meaning, and eliminates the need to go outdoors for food or toilet paper. Case managers use the Apple Watch to maintain situational awareness on the way to the strip club, thus avoiding getting mowed down by hordes of Turkmen bicyclists.

Aside from discreet assassination, the “killing people” part of spy work is the purview of special forces folks. They’re generally cheerful chaps who wear simple watches that don’t beep, and aren’t entirely comfortable at black tie soirĂ©es. Where was I? Right. Bottom line. If James Bond was a real British spy he’d wear an Apple Watch.

Just like 100 million Apple Watch owners, who enjoy all the same benefits as real world AW-wearing government spies – minus the fun of attending national security meetings and dodging a tsunami of two-wheeled Turkmen. And why not? Unlike the current Bond’s OMEGA, the Apple Watch is both an astounding piece of modern technology and no big deal.

Well now it is. Can you imagine the cool factor of an Apple Watch if it had appeared in any of the Bond movies before September 2014, when Tim Cook revealed the iPhone 6’s BFF? Hang on Pussy, I just got a reminder text from my sex addiction support group. What’s that? 5000 steps today. Oh, sorry. I’m still on Step Two.

Back in the day, when you had to charge the brick-like Motorola DynaTAC8000X voice-only cell phone for ten hours for 30 minutes talk time, the Bond franchise’s techno-fetishistic scriptwriters couldn’t have imagined the all-singing, all-dancing Apple Watch. By the same token, today’s boilerplate Bond writers can’t imagine creating [literal] killer apps for what would be a more realistic watch choice for a more realistic British spy. Because money.

James Bond's Apple Watch looks like an OMEGA

I can’t find the exact amount OMEGA paid to have James Bond EMP a door and strut around with their time-telling pride and joy, but we know that product placement earned No Time to Die‘s producer’s $100m, the most money shelled for shilling of any movie ever. Bond’s old school horology is pure pimpology.

Funny thing is, Apple could afford to pay all of that to be James’ Bond’s Apple Watch. But doesn’t need to. And wouldn’t anyway – JB isn’t PC enough, despite the latest Bond movie’s “diverse” cast and non-misogynistic sex scenes. And, I hasten to add, how dark, cheerless and psychobabble-stuffed the series has become.

Vintage Seamaster

So James Bond’s Apple Watch is not to be. OMEGA remains the British alpha’s go-to timepiece. The only way to reconcile that choice and what we might call reality: a James Bond origins movie.

Take viewers back to the Cold War and equip the Navy man with a vintage OMEGA Seamaster. (Never mind that the original character was a Rolex guy). Re-issue the watch and Bob’s your uncle, as once-internationally-relevant Brits say.

While they’re at it, Cubby Broccoli’s daughter should make James Bond less of a dick. Or more. I can’t decide. Let me check my watch. Hey Siri, has cancel culture been cancelled yet?

10 comments

  1. At least it’s not another Hamilton product placement. Actually, back when Hamilton was American and Pulsar was a model of theirs, Bond wore their (then) cutting edge LED watch. I’d comment more, but I never got into the Craig Bond flicks, because I’m with you and Baruth on the joylessness of them.

  2. Hello. I can’t afford nice watches. But I love reading about why they are not worth buying anyway. I want more content on why luxury is not worth it and why wearing a Rolex gets you mugged, my favorite of all contents. I can’t afford Rolex so that makes me so happy.

    Please start writing again. I am looking at my Casio feeling depressed that I will never have a nice watch collection. You guys are my soul mates.

    1. I recently came across a couple vintage gold Swiss watches that the family had wasting away in a drawer in typical heirloom fashion. Of course they don’t work and need servicing. They are both very nice but I can’t claim to get any ecstasy or vast awe from them. The wrist watch seems to be a bumper automatic, as it has this crazy oscillating weight springiness when handled, and that is admittedly rather special.
      I’m off to drop them off at some fancy watch place today. I’m wearing a Mickey Mouse Lorus.

  3. Oscar is my favorite.

    Looks like my neighbor’s mom exactly, down to the haircut. Also believe that a guy who can’t afford more than a $50 watch should write about why luxury watches are bad. It makes this blog the raging success that it is.

    1. Thank you? But really thank the editor, as I’d have never volunteered if not asked.

      My dire reluctance to spend a sum does not mean I can’t pay. Yeah, I’m relatively poor, but my choices and tastes involve more than a lack of funds. Proof of frugality, loving the product more than the money, will be when I see the giant repair bill for the aforementioned family vintage watches. I expect it to top the value of every watch I’ve owned combined, and probably each will be a minimum of what my first used motorcycle cost. I can’t say I’m gladly paying this, but I won’t shed a tear or consider leaving the watches in their unfunctioning state.

      I do totally think that mechanical watches have been obsolete since around the time of my birth, and that the entire concept of a luxury watch, particularly as status symbol, belongs to past generations (and I’m middle aged). I’m admittedly outside the market demographic, but I just don’t see the luxury of it. A thin, small, lightweight watch is a luxury to me. Quartz does all these quite well, and cheaply too!

  4. Hello. I have $1 to pay for banner ads on your site. We sell watches perfect for your target audience. They are very very veryveryvery cheap but also entirely copies of expensive brands. Your audience, jealous and poor, will love them.

    Please get back to me ASAP. This offer for $1 banner ads won’t last forever. Oscar will be able to afford a haircut.

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