When it comes to questions of style, the horological media are a pretty tame bunch. Watch reviewers focus on two questions: does the timepiece fit under the sleeve of a dress shirt and can it be worn casually and at the office? Snore. There are far more important style issues to ponder: which watch works best at a sex club, drug deal or a police interview. Here are my recommendations . . .
Sex clubs come in two basic flavors: S&M and everything else. If it’s the former, go with a big ass G-SHOCK GPRB1000TF-1 ($900).
With its gold accents, the 60.3mm watch is trashy wrist machismo personified. It proclaims that the wearer is good at figuring out what to do when and how. It’s shock, dust/mud and water resistance mean it will take a licking and keep on ticking
The GPRB1000TF-1 can be also used to inflict pain — after receiving consent and signing the appropriate wavers. And best of all, it has the word “protection” written right on it, which works on at least two levels. [Note: if you’re a sub no watch for you. Your time is completely unimportant you miserable POS.]
If the sex club is your garden variety get-naked-and-get-to-it venue, don’t get to thinking that a flash Rolex is your key to securing a favored partner/partners. Suffice it to say that’s not how it works, and if your $6k watch somehow disappears explaining your insurance claim to an adjuster could be a little awkward.
Instead, wear any relatively inexpensive and discreet watch that won’t cause you agita if it’s lost in the, um, shuffle. I’m partial to the Citizen PROMASTER TOUGH ($360) in basic black. It’s simple yet classy in a discreet sort of way, waterproof, lubricant proof, shockproof and, best of all, snag-free.
Then again . . . you might want to
blackmail a politician bring home some memories from a night spent bumping uglies. Head over to Amazon (no commission on the link) for the KEQI Super HD motion detection 2K Resolution Camera Wrist Smart Watch Camera 32G Video Photo Audio Recording.
Criminals love four things: drugs, cash, guns and jewelry. Expensive watches are bad guy catnip; accoutrements that can be worn to impress suppliers, middlemen, customers, girlfriends, family members and high school guidance counselors. Or, more likely, fenced in a New York minute.
Resist the urge to wear something special on your wrist, a timepiece that tells your drug supplier, dealer or customer that you’re a man of wealth and taste. Someone’s gonna want that watch and they may not say please. They might even cut off your hand to get it.
NO ROLEX! No Richard Mille, Patek Philippe, Audemars Piguet. No lesser known quality brand: Jaeger LeCoultre, Cartier, IWC. No obscure high horology: Glasshutte, J. P Journe, H. Moser & Cie. Nothing worth anything.
That said, drug deals can be pretty fraught. So you want a watch that’s reliable, easy to read and, well, soothing. For me that’s the Timex American Documents ($495) watch. It’s pricey, but it’s too boring to steal, boasts a Swiss movement and it’s assembled in the U.S. of A. — a patriotic choice for an American entrepreneur.
If law enforcement interjects itself into your life and times, if members of the constabulary would like to ask you a few questions down at the station, it’s time to Rolex up.
Nothing tells cops that you have immediate access to a lawyer — an expensive lawyer — like a Rolex. And that means they’re less likely to F with you during an interview.
Sure, if you’re arrested, your Rolex may go walkies. But you want the cops to think you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t care. Because money talks, BS walks. Well, you won’t walk if they arrest you, but you know what I mean.
As for which Rolex, the world’s your Oyster. Just avoid diamond-encrusted blingery that says I’M A DRUG DEALER and pass on the subtle, elegant Oyster Perpetual 39.
I’m thinking the Rolex Submariner on a gold bracelet. Bonus: you can pawn it to raise bail. Yeah, it’s that kind of world, whether the mainstream watch press wants to admit it or not.